Sunday, June 7, 2009

Talk About Pressure

I have grown up my entire life with rules and guidelines that never questioned before. I was the good girl who never ask question or even considered doing anything to taint my name. I have lived that way for along time and never planned on changing that. Then One day this man whom I have never encountered before comes in my life and all the feelings I thought were wrong and not bad I began to feel. I wasn't sure why I didn't even know him but there was something that made him shine. A beauty you only read in those novels that look cheesy on the cover, or that are so graphic you feel guilty for even touching them. Yet for me I just kept my distance I didn't know what to do or even if what I felt was real. One night of just sleeping in his arms proved that it wasn't lust but a great like. A connection of your souls counterpart that can't be denied or even ignored but yet as innocent as that night was and the beauty of the look on his face in the morning light wasn't enough. His life will take him from me and down a path so far from my own and the question of should I risk it chance it on something I know for sure.

Just like that he was gone to live his life and me left to wonder what if, and should I have done anything different. Then out of the blue a friend whom I thought forgot me and I hadn't seen in years comes back with a mission ME. He said that he always had a thing for me and that I was the one girl he felt something strong for. I wondered what is the something strong and why now tell? His life was taking him to a country so far from me in such little time yet he wanted to test the waters. See what could have been and even what might still be for us and could we make it work. He do you test waters with a man who doesn't want a girlfriend or commitment but just wants to see what happens. I want to say no when he looks at me but his eyes have a calming effect, his arms are strong but yet gentle and his words are soft to sweet to be real. Yet I trust him but I refuse to give in to the uncertain territory he has traveled already. The fact he is so far advanced then me in life often puzzles me why he bothers me.

I mean he could be with plenty of girls that wouldn't deny him or fear the next move. Yet I'm holding my breath I'm just waiting for him to mess up or change his mind. Why me is all I think when he calls? Is the thought of my innocents that precious to him like a target or bulls eye he can't miss. What should I do when he says that it's not like that, but when were alone it feels like that. Evey kiss ends with a thank you and yet I wonder why? Is it a gift to you or a job well done is it the idea that you might be getting close that is so appealing to you? I don't know and to afraid to ask him really. The pressure is to much at times that I can't breath I try to explain I'm not there yet and I'm not ready for all that. Yet it seems to be a challenge for him a task to be complete before he leaves me. I'm not there yet but he is and has been for a long time and can a man who has done so much be content with so little now? When the basics don't please him anymore then what and when no is no longer clear then what? I often question my whole up bringing but I wouldn't be the girl I am today. So I'll just wait and hope he can wait with me or that maybe I should just relax and not think so much about these things. Life has too many ways of stressing a person out this should be on top of that.

By: Geneva Relf

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